BY THE DIM EARLY MORNING LIGHT

IT ALL STARTED WITH A FRENCH FRY.

Almost exactly thirteen years ago to the day, a seemingly insignificant event occurred, one I am certain no one else who was with us even noticed. I stole a French fry from a boy’s plate. At the time, we simply smiled at each other, and went about our evening, but months later, when we had started dating, both of us would remember that moment when we both just knew something very significant had occurred.

Today, over twelve years after officially becoming a couple, I am lucky to say the boy, Ben, is my husband. As I write this, I know that, quite honestly, there are no words to adequately express who we have become together, and what he means to me.

He somehow sees my faults as endearing qualities, remains my greatest support system, and without a doubt, is the person I have the most fun with. He always remembers to say thank you, even after a long day, even after a sixteen-hour shift, if only because I remembered to buy peanut butter for his lunch. He is the most amazing father to his little girls, and I am certain that if you asked them, they would tell you their Daddy hosts the very best kitchen dance parties.

While I can take little credit for who he is, I can truly say I am proud of him in everything he does.

So today, on the occasion of your birthday, I want to say thank you, Ben, for everything you do for our family and loved ones. You live your life with much love, generosity, and integrity, and that’s something to be really proud of. Happy Birthday, My Love. We love you more than words. xoxoxo

Lopez

This is Lopez. Lopez is what happens when a Mama is stuck inside with two little girls on a rainy day in May. It was Aurelia’s idea to make a caterpillar. Truth be told , Lopez, named after Daddy’s muse, Jennifer,was not our first attempt at a pompom caterpillar. The first caterpillar we attempted to make with pompoms a while back was too fragile to survive any kind of touching, as the glue proved to be an inefficient mean of assembly. This time, however, I had the idea to run a needle and thread through them all, and it worked really well. Apparently in the process, we also created Lopez’s best asset, according to Aurelia, anyway. You see, the thread I used was red, and Lopez’s tail-end pompom was bright yellow, so the knotted thread was fairly obvious. I predicted when I was making him, that this little knot would be the topic of many conversations, and I was not wrong.

Late last night, at around 1030pm, once Eloïse was in bed, Aurelia, who had gotten out of bed, asked to hold Lopez. Having been up since 4am, I was exhausted. So when Aurelia asked me what that tiny knot of thread was, I absent-mindedly responded, “It’s Lopez’s bum hole.” She paused, examined it more closely, and declared, “Oh! You’re right!”. Well, this little knot of thread kept her busy for an hour.Ben and I were talking in another room, and we would hear the little pitter-pat of her feet coming toward us, and she would exclaim, while pointing at Lopez’s derrière, “Look,Mama! It’s Lopez’s bum hole.” (If we were more responsible parents, we might have thought this to be disturbing, but luckily, we are not, so instead, we thought it was hilarious.)

Morning arrives. When Lopez’s is finally pulled off the shelf from his resting place by Aurelia, the first thing she examined was his bum hole. And then she proceeded to explain Lopez’s anatomy to Eloïse, a moment I was lucky enough to capture on camera.
Sadly, Lopez did not survive the day without first losing his eyes, and losing his “figure”. But not before he received a lot of love and praise for his bum hole from two little girls.
The lesson here? If your name is Lopez, it’s always about the booty.

"UMBLALA!"

What's that, you say? To you, it may appear to be part of an apple speared by a chopstick, but our little Eloïse declared it to be her version of an "umblala". That's right, an umbrella.

Oh, how I love her.

Trying Something Different

So, this week, I decided to try something different. Ben ended his paternity week, and headed back to work on Monday. Since then, I have been trying to get up early (meaning, earlier than the girls), in order to have a bit of time for myself before I start the day. I love the quiet that has settled into the house, looking out the window, even when it's raining. These past few days, I have had an overwhelming feeling of being really lucky that I don't have to run around like I know so many people are doing right now, rushing to start their day, getting themselves and their kids ready, distributing everyone around town, shovelling breakfast in their mouths with one hand on the steering wheel.

Over this past week, I have used this time to eat my breakfast, watch the news, check out Facebook, emails, and my favorite blogs, and, most importantly, sip my hot coffee. I cannot believe what this little bit of me time to start the day has done to improve my mood and my productivity throughout my day.

Anyone who knows me is aware that I am not a morning person. Actually, it's not really that I am not a morning person, but more the fact that I can't get out of bed, because, once I'm up, I'm up. So this new routine is not necessarily an easy switch for me. I need to push myself, but I am realizing that this switch in my routine has made me happier, and infinitely more productive.

Yesterday, I wrote about how I was debating keeping this blog public. I've decided for now, I will leave it as-is and instead try to incorporate writing my entries into my new morning routine. We'll see how it goes.

Questioning the whole public blog thing

I started this blog as a way to document my everyday life. While I suppose I could also use a word processing program as I often do, what's interesting about a blog, is that I am able to access it anywhere internet is available, which I love.

One of my New Years' resolutions for 2010 is to blog more. Unfortunately, what I am noticing is that I am not drawn to my blog when I want to put down my thoughts. I feel so aware that there is an audience reading this, I find myself editing my thoughts before my fingers reach the keyboard. What is so odd about all this, of course, is that no one actually reads this blog except me. But still, it feels like leaving a personal journal open on a table in a coffee shop.

Up until recently, my blog was private. Maybe I will have to go back to that, if it means I will be less self-conscious when I write here. I don't want this blog to end up like all those diaries I received as a kid with only a couple of pages used.

I want to remember this.

I want to remember this:
You, after a bath, still slick with water,
Dripping tendrils of baby curls sticking to your neck,
Bolting down the hallway,
Naked and confident,
Shoulder blades protruding like wings-
Bird bones just under the surface.
Screaming with glee.
Febrile and defiant.

I want to remember this:
You, sleeping soundly in our bed,
As only you can
When you are in your parents’ bed
At age two.
Sunken deep into a pillow, assured and secure,
Your breath paced slow and steady,
Your lower lip jutting and relaxed.
Your lashes grazing that tender patch of bluish skin
Just below the eye.
Damp curls lay flat against your pulsing temple.
Your tiny hand, open-palmed and fleshy,
Managing to reach out to me,
Still asleep.

I want to remember this:
You, coming to join me in the morning,
Messy, gorgeous, matted hair
Hiding still-sleepy eyes,
Cheeks rosy and creased from slumber,
Diaper fat and sagging,
Your little voice, cracking,
proclaiming something,
Anything,
As though it were a new-found discovery:
“Look, Mama! A book!”

I want to remember this:
You, delighting in those things otherwise overlooked.
A bubble escaping from the dish soap bottle.
The ant jarred awake by the year’s first thaw.
The way the cat washes its ears.

I want to remember this:
You, looking at me with complete and total trust.
Believing that I know.
Seeing me as I have forgotten how to see myself.

I want to remember this.

Overwhelmed

Feeling overwhelmed this past while, by so many different things, but, added all up, they are weighing heavily on me. Finances. Parenting. (Lack of) Time. The need to purge all the excess. There have been moments these last few days that reminded me so much of exam time when I was in university, the feeling that the smallest thing could be the one that makes me crack. Luckily, I think I know myself a bit better now, and it helps that I realize that my stress can be minimized by addressing the issues rather than avoiding them. Just taking it all one day at a time.

Blogging & Project 365

One of my resolutions this year was to blog more regularly. Given the fact that my last blog was a month and a half ago and we are not even two months in to the new year, it does not appear that I have been really making blogging a priority.

The reason I want to blog more regularly is simple. With two little girls to look after every day, and my beloved who works 12-hour shifts, my scrap time is limited. If I were to blog more regularly, when that time does come up, the words and the photos will already have been chosen, and thus, the hard part done, seemingly effortlessly. If I don't write as a go, the thoughts linked to those moments captured are somewhat lost, inevitably tainted by hindsight.

Looking at everyone in cyberland's 365 day project really, really makes me want to try to join in. But I really don't want this to become an unfinished project. I am so inpired by Becky Higgins Project 365 kit. If I commit, I want to commit for the long haul. I know that to have an album to hold at the end of a year-long project like this would be so priceless to my family and me. But, after having worked on the December Daily project, I realize what a huge commitment this is, and I'm not sure I am ready for it.

On Simplicity

Last year, I decided to follow Ali Edwards' tradition to choose a word to help define the coming year. My word for 2009 was savor. It was a good choice. With Eloïse's arrival in April, my life became infinitely more hectic, and my one little word served as an occasional reminder not to sweat the small stuff. It was more of an idea word, it didn't require much action, except for a sincere attitude shift at times, helping me focus on what really matters, to live in the moment, to take it all in, specifically, the good stuff. Choosing that particular word provided my perspective with the occasional nudge in the right direction on the life I am living.

This year, I am trying it out the one little word challenge again. My choice of word was not something I really had to think hard about. It came to me easily and I think it's really because the evidence of what it should be was obvious and staring me in the face for quite some time. My word is simplify. Simplicity. Simple.

I see simplicity and simplifying as an action theme for me. Having two little children to take care of fills up my days to the brim. There are a countless number of things for me to do on any given day, and if I am at some point sitting on the couch, it is because I have chosen to ignore that endless to-do list rather than the fact that it does not exist. As a result of being so busy, I have come to the realization that having less in my home would mean less work for me. Having less things to manage, juggle, even dust, would allow me the time to do the things I really love, rather than dealing with all the less-than-pleasant aspect of an excess of stuff. We presently live in a really small space for four people, and every little bit of space counts. It does not help that I have a really hard time getting rid of things. It does not help that I have a craft stash. Or that I have a lot of maternity clothes. Or that kids grow out of their clothes before they have even worn them. And beyond the stuff, there is the time factor. Time wasters like the internet and Facebook. The telephone. Countless email mailing lists. All of it.

I know I already presented my resolutions here in my last couple of posts, and so I have briefly touched on the topic. I know reducing and weeding out the unecessary stuff will not be easy for me. It may always be a ongoing struggle for me. To simplify will require not only a shift in my attitude, but also in my behavior, and that is why I see it as an action word. It will require my to make choices. To say no. To ask myself important questions like how certain things add to or diminish our quality of life as a family.

I can say that I am more than up for the challenge. I hope to be able to push myself out of my comfort zone, and arrive at a point where living with less becomes my norm. I think I can do it. I really do. I believe that in recent years, I have slowly begun to realize the benefits of having more white space in my life. To see the simple beauty of it.

Resolutions 2010

As 2009 draws to a close, I have started to think about some resolutions for the new year. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I even attempted to come up with some resolutions, but I am looking at this year's attempt as a sort of year-long project. Yesterday, I was over at my friend Melissa's for a few hours of scrapping (not to mention a powerful bloody caesar), and I came up with some goals I would like to achieve in 2010. Later last night, I put them down on paper, and I added a few others.

And so, here is my list of resolutions for 2010:

1. Simplify. Reduce. Get rid of things I do not find either beautiful or practical. Before letting any new items into our home, contemplate how that object will improve our lives, and whether it really is necessary. Learn to live with less.

2. Challenge myself in my role as a parent and "domestic engineer". Strive to step out of my comfort zone when necessary for the benefit of my children and to keep things challenging and interesting for myself.

3. Reach and maintain my goal weight.

4. Reduce/pay off debts and save money in order to reach the financial goals Ben and I have set for our family.

5. One hundred scrapbook layouts. Digital or traditional.

6. Incorporate exercise into my life.

7. Blog. use my bog as a creative outlet, a place to journal for scrapbooking, and a place to document my creative projects.

8. "Clean up" and organize desktop computer. This includes taking care of archiving photo files.

9. Get my driver's license.

10. Read four books.

11. Get a will and other "grown up" responsibilities taken care of.

*12. Wear more skirts. (This was added as an after-thought. Just for fun)

Some of the goals are simple ones, simple tasks that seem to regularly appear on my to-do lists, but never seem to get accomplished. Some have already been worked on in 2009 and the process will hopefully continue in 2009. Others will require some sort of transformation, a breaking of habits on my part, and those will likely be the hardest ones to accomplish, perhaps they may even be impossible to achieve or will always be on-going for me. I am anxious to see where this journey takes me.

Sisters

Last night, I was downloading my most recent photos from my camera to our PC. As we were scanning through them, Ben and I came across a series of photos I had recently taken of Aurelia and Eloïse one afternoon lying in Aurelia's bed together. The day I took them, I rememeber Aurelia being so excited that the baby was lying in the bed beside her. Eloïse was just going to with the flow, content to be with us. I was happy to have remembered to have taken a few moments in my day to take some pictures of my two girls, aged 2 years 4 months, and 5 months, and to record us "right now". But as I looked at these pictures only days later, I realized something. Aurelia & Eloïse will not always be these ages. Aurelia will not always be the toddler excited to have this little baby lying beside her. This little baby will soon be big and talking back, and it won't always be a question of changing her diaper or holding in order to soothe her. These two will have their share of fights and disagreements. Maybe they will have similar interest, maybe they won't. Maybe they will be close, maybe they won't. There will be successes, failures, moments of happiness and despair in both their lives, and only time will tell if they will be there for these in one another's lives. But there is one thing that will never change regardless of these factors: they will always remain sisters. As I examined one photo in particular, one where each is looking into the others' eyes, I was really overcome by this realization. I don't really know what it was that got to me so much. Part of it was that I realized that I never grew up with a sibling, and looking at that photo made realize what an incredible gift a brother or sister can be. Right before Eloïse was born, I confided in Ben that somehow I felt as though I was betraying Aurelia bringing another baby into our family when she, only 23 months at the time, was oblivious to what was going on. I clearly remember him saying to me that bringing another child into our family was the greatest gift we could be giving her. And it is now, now that I am beginning to really understand what he meant.

Confession

Eloïse, I have a confession. Before you were born, I had never loved anyone the way I loved Aurelia. The love I felt for her was like nothing I had ever experienced- overwhelming and indescribable are two words that come to mind. People tell you that the love you feel for your children can only be described when you experience it first-hand. Now I knew it was true. She was my purpose. I would die for her. To look into her eyes, the eyes of a person that grew inside me, was the most incredible feeling. And so, I wondered, could I ever love anyone as much as her? I knew her hands, her smell, the feel of her cheek, what would make her laugh. Would anyone else have such an effect on me?

When I became pregnant with you, I was thrilled. Just as with my pregnancy with Aurelia, it was a relief when everything was going smoothly. It was exciting every single time I felt you kick, felt you move, realized how much by belly had grown through those many weeks. Seeing those blurry black and white images of you on that ultrasound machine will remain one of the most wonderful memories for me. I would count down the minutes to getting these too-brief glimpses of you, and we would sigh with relief when the doctor would say you looked like you were growing well. We would come home from those visits, and compare your profile in those grainy pictures with Aurelia’s. Would you look like her? Would you be a girl or a boy? It was just as incredible as when I had experienced it with Aurelia. But, secretly I was worried about something. Despite the fact that I was as overjoyed during my pregnancy with you as with Aurelia, how would I feel once you arrived? I couldn’t imagine loving someone else as much as much as her .

And, then, as an answer to my questions, they put you in my arms.

You were mine. And that overwhelming and indescribable love came over me…for you.

Eloïse, you are now almost four months old. I know your hands, your smell, the feel of your cheek, and yes, what makes you laugh. To look into your eyes, the eyes of a person who grew inside me, well, it’s like seeing heaven.

Eloïse's First Days

You arrived at 6:42 pm on April 19th,2009, and surprised us all with the speed at which you arrived, your dark hair, and that yes, the fact you were a girl. Around 10pm that night, we were tranferred to the post-partum department, and were lucky enough to get a large private room, with two beds, which was great, except for the fact the heating was still on and it was extremely hot. We were so excited that you were finally here, we had a hard time going to sleep that first night, despite the fact we were very tired. The next day, we had a lot of visitors- Mel, Christina, and Patrick came to meet you. Grand-Maman, who witnessed your birth, came back for several hours, too. Papa went back home for a couple of hours, and when he came back, he brought Grand-Mère & Grand-Père, and your big sister, Aurelia, along with him. This was a very special moment for Papa and I - our little family all together for the first time. Once everyone left, the rest of the day was pretty quiet, and the following morning, we were discharged. You were finally coming home! We arrived home mid-morning, and tried to get settled into some sort of routine. Because you were being breastfed, and we were still waiting for the milk to come in, the next few days were a little tough, as we tried to get into the groove of things with very little sleep. I must admit, there were a couple of nights in that first week where I did cry a little. You would sleep well and be so quiet during the day, but once 10-11 pm hit, you would be very cranky and unsettled, and cry a lot. Even though you are our second baby, I realize that sleep deprivation is still as hard the second time around, especially when there is another little person who needs to be taken care of. Nevertheless, we survived. And once you were eating enough, and we both got the hang of breastfeeding together, things, settled down. You slept for several hours at a time, and we were able to get the sleep we all needed. It is incredible how you just fit right into your spot in our family. We are so glad you are finally here. Welcome home, Our Sweet Eloïse.

Aurelia Turns Two

My Darling Aurelia, you’ve turned two! This year, we spent a quiet day as a family at home. You did get to go to the park, something you love to do. We had a birthday cake for you, and I’m pretty sure you loved the candles as much as eating it. We re-lit them for you three times, and you insisted on holding the candles once they were blown out and removed from the cake. It was great watching you eat your cake, and taking in the biggest mouthfuls you could. Afterwards, you were in much need of a bath, and then Granda’ came over to give you your gift. A lovely day!
I can’t believe that you are already two years old. In the two years since you were born, you have brightened our lives with your presence, and have made you Papa and I grow into better people. You are our greatest joy. We love you so much, Our Sweet Girl.

Moments Like These

Aurelia,

Since you have come into our lives, there are moments that, as a parent, make me wonder if we are giving you all you need. Moments in which I question if we are providing you the best possible environment in which to thrive, in which to become your personal best. Are you getting enough sunshine or exercise? Are we providing you with a diet that contains enough fibre and are you eating enough vegetables? Is your level of vocabulary normal? Do you feel secure and safe?Do we play enough with you or read you enough books? And, if so, are they the right games or the best books? Are we nurturing you to become a strong, independendant, and confident person? Are you happy?

And then there are moments like these, when, I just know, the answer is yes.

You at Two

Goldfish crackers are your favourite snack.You have just become a big sister. When we go get you in your room in the morning, the first thing you do is hand us your empty bottle.You have finally begun giving kisses. You are now eating meat.You have started using the potty. If Mama gets herself a milkshake and gives you a sip, you never give it back. You still love to watch movies- recent favourites are “Garfield’s Fun Fest” and “Happy Feet”. You love bubble baths. Tantrums are a regular occurrence, head-banging included. Your favorite thing to do at the playground is swing, but you haven’t figured out how to lean back.Your favourite expressions are “Oh, wow!” and “What’s this?”. You love the sandbox Grand-Mere & Grand-Pere got you - when you arrive at their house, you beeline for the back door to the yard. You like putting on Papa's slippers. Mega-Bloks, In the Night Garden figurines and Dr. Seuss Flash cards are among your favourite toys to play with, but you are just as happy with some Tupperware, a feather duster,or a pair of IPOD headphones. You are loved more than you know. Love, Mama

On Your Way

To My Baby in My Belly,

I am sitting here waiting for the hospital to call to let me know they are ready for my induction today. We were supposed to go in at 6am, but they had a busy night, so we have had to wait. I think this was a blessing because I feel more ready mentally for labor. It is how it is supposed to happen.

What I want you to know is that, although we have yet to look each other in the eyes, your Papa and I already love you beyond words. You are the greatest gift we could ask for, and we cannot wait to continue this life's journey, both yours and ours, with you. I can't wait to meet you.

All my love,

Mama

Yesterday

My Dearest Aurelia,

Yesterday I reached the 26 week mark for this pregnancy. We had an appointment with Dr. Johansson, so Papa finished work early, we packed ourselves into the car, and headed to her office. The last time I was in that office was very nerve-wracking indeed. I had gone in the previous day for my "almost 22-week appointment, and during that ultrasound, the doctor noticed something that could indicate something serious was wrong with the baby, so the following morning, we headed back to the office in a rush to do an amniocentesis. Much to Papa's and my relief, the results for the amnio came back normal. So yesterday, was a much happier occasion for me, and I really tried to enjoy the moment of getting to see your soon-to-arrive brother or sister on the ultrasound machine screen.

You were in Papa's arms during this, and were getting quite restless, especially since the wait to see the doctor was a little long for you. This meant that Papa got to see very little of the ultrasound taking place. He was busy taking care of you. But later, once we left the office he told me of your reaction seeing me laying on the doctor's examination table while Dr. Johansson probed my belly. Apparently, you became very still and were observing everything that was going on. Then, although you made no sound, tears began streaming down your face, and continued even after the examination was over. He is certain you thought the doctor was hurting me, even though you could see me smiling and laughing. Once we left the examination room, while I was talking to the doctor and her secretary and making arrangements for my next appointment, you, still in Papa's arms, kept reaching out to me, holding tightly to my shirt.

It was only after, when Papa told me of your reaction, that I realized how upset you were, and to be honest, it was only last night, while laying in bed wide awake at around 2am with insomnia did it hit me. I am your mama. And you know it. And as much as I live with the fear that something could hurt you or happen to you, you also live with that fear for me. We need each other, and we have a bond that has developed and strengthened every single day since we came into each other's lives. Maybe it sounds strange that such a simple incident made me come to such a realization, but with you, I have learned that the simplest things having become the most incredible blessings. A soft kiss from you. You caressing my eyelashes. Your small open hand on my chest while you fall asleep. These are gifts you give me every day and for which I will never be able to repay you.

January 19th,2009

This evening, I decided to take a bath around 5pm.Papa was home and about to start supper, and I just had the urge to soak and relax in the tub. I left the bathroom door open because I thought you would get a kick out of seeing Mama in the tub and you out of it for a change. Soon, you were running in to "surprise me" every minute or so. Next, you decided it would be interesting to dip you (clean) paint brush in the water, which meant that within a few minutes, you were wet up to your elbows. It didn't take long for you to start pulling out your bath toys and placing them on the edge of the bath. You even pulled out the three little tub men I use to sing you "Lundi matin, le roi, la reine, et son p'tit prince..." and you motioned to me that this bathtime, regardless of who was actually in the bath, should be no different. At this point, your pants were already off since they had gotten dirty and I had removed them before my bath, but you were still wearing shoes and socks..you had asked me to put them on you this afternoon, a first.Before I knew it, you were trying to get in the tub to join me, shoes and all. So Papa came to the rescue, quickly stripped you down, and plopped you in the tub with me. The water was much deeper than you are normally used to, and you seemed to love it, although you did slip a couple of times. We brought in some of your toys and you seemed to just love being in the deep water and having me with you. It has been quite a while since we have bathed together, and it was even more wonderful than I remembered, playing with you in the tub, listening to music from the kitchen where Papa was preparing us a delicious meal. The bath turned out different than I had planned, but undoubtedly better. It was, a perfect evening.