That Smile

Her first tooth came out on Christmas Day, 2007.

Over time, her smile has grown into what it is today…gap-toothed, imperfect, obviously belonging to a pacifier-lover, and so her.

And it is soon about to change.

Two days ago, that little smile got into a head-on collision with a wall. When it happened, she told me about it, pointing to her top tooth. I checked it and it still seemed solid. It was only that night when brushing her teeth I realized her two front bottom teeth were loose.

Ben & I were so upset, to say the least.

Aurelia at the dentist yesterday.

We went to the dentist the next morning, who confirmed that, in fact, three teeth are loose. Although one seems solid enough, the two bottom ones will likely fall out. After an X-ray to check for any fracture, the dentist reassured us that Aurelia's adult teeth were already on their way anyhow, so it’s very possible these two teeth weren’t very solid before the accident anyway.

But still.

It is yet another sign she is growing up, something I openly admit, I have a hard time accepting. I will so miss that baby-toothed smile. For now, I will enjoy it as long as it’s here.

BY THE DIM EARLY MORNING LIGHT

Lopez

This is Lopez. Lopez is what happens when a Mama is stuck inside with two little girls on a rainy day in May. It was Aurelia’s idea to make a caterpillar. Truth be told , Lopez, named after Daddy’s muse, Jennifer,was not our first attempt at a pompom caterpillar. The first caterpillar we attempted to make with pompoms a while back was too fragile to survive any kind of touching, as the glue proved to be an inefficient mean of assembly. This time, however, I had the idea to run a needle and thread through them all, and it worked really well. Apparently in the process, we also created Lopez’s best asset, according to Aurelia, anyway. You see, the thread I used was red, and Lopez’s tail-end pompom was bright yellow, so the knotted thread was fairly obvious. I predicted when I was making him, that this little knot would be the topic of many conversations, and I was not wrong.

Late last night, at around 1030pm, once Eloïse was in bed, Aurelia, who had gotten out of bed, asked to hold Lopez. Having been up since 4am, I was exhausted. So when Aurelia asked me what that tiny knot of thread was, I absent-mindedly responded, “It’s Lopez’s bum hole.” She paused, examined it more closely, and declared, “Oh! You’re right!”. Well, this little knot of thread kept her busy for an hour.Ben and I were talking in another room, and we would hear the little pitter-pat of her feet coming toward us, and she would exclaim, while pointing at Lopez’s derrière, “Look,Mama! It’s Lopez’s bum hole.” (If we were more responsible parents, we might have thought this to be disturbing, but luckily, we are not, so instead, we thought it was hilarious.)

Morning arrives. When Lopez’s is finally pulled off the shelf from his resting place by Aurelia, the first thing she examined was his bum hole. And then she proceeded to explain Lopez’s anatomy to Eloïse, a moment I was lucky enough to capture on camera.
Sadly, Lopez did not survive the day without first losing his eyes, and losing his “figure”. But not before he received a lot of love and praise for his bum hole from two little girls.
The lesson here? If your name is Lopez, it’s always about the booty.

I want to remember this.

I want to remember this:
You, after a bath, still slick with water,
Dripping tendrils of baby curls sticking to your neck,
Bolting down the hallway,
Naked and confident,
Shoulder blades protruding like wings-
Bird bones just under the surface.
Screaming with glee.
Febrile and defiant.

I want to remember this:
You, sleeping soundly in our bed,
As only you can
When you are in your parents’ bed
At age two.
Sunken deep into a pillow, assured and secure,
Your breath paced slow and steady,
Your lower lip jutting and relaxed.
Your lashes grazing that tender patch of bluish skin
Just below the eye.
Damp curls lay flat against your pulsing temple.
Your tiny hand, open-palmed and fleshy,
Managing to reach out to me,
Still asleep.

I want to remember this:
You, coming to join me in the morning,
Messy, gorgeous, matted hair
Hiding still-sleepy eyes,
Cheeks rosy and creased from slumber,
Diaper fat and sagging,
Your little voice, cracking,
proclaiming something,
Anything,
As though it were a new-found discovery:
“Look, Mama! A book!”

I want to remember this:
You, delighting in those things otherwise overlooked.
A bubble escaping from the dish soap bottle.
The ant jarred awake by the year’s first thaw.
The way the cat washes its ears.

I want to remember this:
You, looking at me with complete and total trust.
Believing that I know.
Seeing me as I have forgotten how to see myself.

I want to remember this.

Overwhelmed

Feeling overwhelmed this past while, by so many different things, but, added all up, they are weighing heavily on me. Finances. Parenting. (Lack of) Time. The need to purge all the excess. There have been moments these last few days that reminded me so much of exam time when I was in university, the feeling that the smallest thing could be the one that makes me crack. Luckily, I think I know myself a bit better now, and it helps that I realize that my stress can be minimized by addressing the issues rather than avoiding them. Just taking it all one day at a time.

Sisters

Last night, I was downloading my most recent photos from my camera to our PC. As we were scanning through them, Ben and I came across a series of photos I had recently taken of Aurelia and Eloïse one afternoon lying in Aurelia's bed together. The day I took them, I rememeber Aurelia being so excited that the baby was lying in the bed beside her. Eloïse was just going to with the flow, content to be with us. I was happy to have remembered to have taken a few moments in my day to take some pictures of my two girls, aged 2 years 4 months, and 5 months, and to record us "right now". But as I looked at these pictures only days later, I realized something. Aurelia & Eloïse will not always be these ages. Aurelia will not always be the toddler excited to have this little baby lying beside her. This little baby will soon be big and talking back, and it won't always be a question of changing her diaper or holding in order to soothe her. These two will have their share of fights and disagreements. Maybe they will have similar interest, maybe they won't. Maybe they will be close, maybe they won't. There will be successes, failures, moments of happiness and despair in both their lives, and only time will tell if they will be there for these in one another's lives. But there is one thing that will never change regardless of these factors: they will always remain sisters. As I examined one photo in particular, one where each is looking into the others' eyes, I was really overcome by this realization. I don't really know what it was that got to me so much. Part of it was that I realized that I never grew up with a sibling, and looking at that photo made realize what an incredible gift a brother or sister can be. Right before Eloïse was born, I confided in Ben that somehow I felt as though I was betraying Aurelia bringing another baby into our family when she, only 23 months at the time, was oblivious to what was going on. I clearly remember him saying to me that bringing another child into our family was the greatest gift we could be giving her. And it is now, now that I am beginning to really understand what he meant.

Aurelia Turns Two

My Darling Aurelia, you’ve turned two! This year, we spent a quiet day as a family at home. You did get to go to the park, something you love to do. We had a birthday cake for you, and I’m pretty sure you loved the candles as much as eating it. We re-lit them for you three times, and you insisted on holding the candles once they were blown out and removed from the cake. It was great watching you eat your cake, and taking in the biggest mouthfuls you could. Afterwards, you were in much need of a bath, and then Granda’ came over to give you your gift. A lovely day!
I can’t believe that you are already two years old. In the two years since you were born, you have brightened our lives with your presence, and have made you Papa and I grow into better people. You are our greatest joy. We love you so much, Our Sweet Girl.

Moments Like These

Aurelia,

Since you have come into our lives, there are moments that, as a parent, make me wonder if we are giving you all you need. Moments in which I question if we are providing you the best possible environment in which to thrive, in which to become your personal best. Are you getting enough sunshine or exercise? Are we providing you with a diet that contains enough fibre and are you eating enough vegetables? Is your level of vocabulary normal? Do you feel secure and safe?Do we play enough with you or read you enough books? And, if so, are they the right games or the best books? Are we nurturing you to become a strong, independendant, and confident person? Are you happy?

And then there are moments like these, when, I just know, the answer is yes.

You at Two

Goldfish crackers are your favourite snack.You have just become a big sister. When we go get you in your room in the morning, the first thing you do is hand us your empty bottle.You have finally begun giving kisses. You are now eating meat.You have started using the potty. If Mama gets herself a milkshake and gives you a sip, you never give it back. You still love to watch movies- recent favourites are “Garfield’s Fun Fest” and “Happy Feet”. You love bubble baths. Tantrums are a regular occurrence, head-banging included. Your favorite thing to do at the playground is swing, but you haven’t figured out how to lean back.Your favourite expressions are “Oh, wow!” and “What’s this?”. You love the sandbox Grand-Mere & Grand-Pere got you - when you arrive at their house, you beeline for the back door to the yard. You like putting on Papa's slippers. Mega-Bloks, In the Night Garden figurines and Dr. Seuss Flash cards are among your favourite toys to play with, but you are just as happy with some Tupperware, a feather duster,or a pair of IPOD headphones. You are loved more than you know. Love, Mama

Yesterday

My Dearest Aurelia,

Yesterday I reached the 26 week mark for this pregnancy. We had an appointment with Dr. Johansson, so Papa finished work early, we packed ourselves into the car, and headed to her office. The last time I was in that office was very nerve-wracking indeed. I had gone in the previous day for my "almost 22-week appointment, and during that ultrasound, the doctor noticed something that could indicate something serious was wrong with the baby, so the following morning, we headed back to the office in a rush to do an amniocentesis. Much to Papa's and my relief, the results for the amnio came back normal. So yesterday, was a much happier occasion for me, and I really tried to enjoy the moment of getting to see your soon-to-arrive brother or sister on the ultrasound machine screen.

You were in Papa's arms during this, and were getting quite restless, especially since the wait to see the doctor was a little long for you. This meant that Papa got to see very little of the ultrasound taking place. He was busy taking care of you. But later, once we left the office he told me of your reaction seeing me laying on the doctor's examination table while Dr. Johansson probed my belly. Apparently, you became very still and were observing everything that was going on. Then, although you made no sound, tears began streaming down your face, and continued even after the examination was over. He is certain you thought the doctor was hurting me, even though you could see me smiling and laughing. Once we left the examination room, while I was talking to the doctor and her secretary and making arrangements for my next appointment, you, still in Papa's arms, kept reaching out to me, holding tightly to my shirt.

It was only after, when Papa told me of your reaction, that I realized how upset you were, and to be honest, it was only last night, while laying in bed wide awake at around 2am with insomnia did it hit me. I am your mama. And you know it. And as much as I live with the fear that something could hurt you or happen to you, you also live with that fear for me. We need each other, and we have a bond that has developed and strengthened every single day since we came into each other's lives. Maybe it sounds strange that such a simple incident made me come to such a realization, but with you, I have learned that the simplest things having become the most incredible blessings. A soft kiss from you. You caressing my eyelashes. Your small open hand on my chest while you fall asleep. These are gifts you give me every day and for which I will never be able to repay you.

January 19th,2009

This evening, I decided to take a bath around 5pm.Papa was home and about to start supper, and I just had the urge to soak and relax in the tub. I left the bathroom door open because I thought you would get a kick out of seeing Mama in the tub and you out of it for a change. Soon, you were running in to "surprise me" every minute or so. Next, you decided it would be interesting to dip you (clean) paint brush in the water, which meant that within a few minutes, you were wet up to your elbows. It didn't take long for you to start pulling out your bath toys and placing them on the edge of the bath. You even pulled out the three little tub men I use to sing you "Lundi matin, le roi, la reine, et son p'tit prince..." and you motioned to me that this bathtime, regardless of who was actually in the bath, should be no different. At this point, your pants were already off since they had gotten dirty and I had removed them before my bath, but you were still wearing shoes and socks..you had asked me to put them on you this afternoon, a first.Before I knew it, you were trying to get in the tub to join me, shoes and all. So Papa came to the rescue, quickly stripped you down, and plopped you in the tub with me. The water was much deeper than you are normally used to, and you seemed to love it, although you did slip a couple of times. We brought in some of your toys and you seemed to just love being in the deep water and having me with you. It has been quite a while since we have bathed together, and it was even more wonderful than I remembered, playing with you in the tub, listening to music from the kitchen where Papa was preparing us a delicious meal. The bath turned out different than I had planned, but undoubtedly better. It was, a perfect evening.

Saskatoon 2008 (and a wee bit of 2009)

At the last minute, I booked a ticket for Aurelia and I to head off out west to Saskatoon from December 26th to January 1st. Some people thought I was crazy (including myself) for even considering traveling alone on a plane with a toddler. My worst expectations were pretty much realized on our way there. We missed our flight, but were re-routed soon after, with the only downfall being we arrived in Saskatoon at almost 1am Montreal time. Aurelia refused to sleep on the plane, and as the plane was literally landing in Saskatoon, she was so exhausted, she began to cry uncontrollably. I thoughther ears were bothering her, because as soon as the plane touched ground her crying stopped. But, when I looked down, she had fallen asleep, and slept through right up until morning. Donna and Lindsay picked us up. It was so great to see them. We got back to Donna's place, where Susan was still up, and we stayed up chatting quite late,then finally went to bed.

The next morning, everybody came over to Donna's- Paul, Mark, Grandmother, Norm & Judy, Adam & Natalie, and their significant others, Sandra & Nacona. Since Lindsay was also staying at her mom's, Paul Schoenau was already there, and so was little Tate, who I finally got to see for the first time (although we did peek in on him the night before while he was sleeping). We all spent the day at Donna's just hanging around, relaxing, and it was really nice. We ordered pizza, and later, some of us went to the movies, including myself. Paul S. and Donna were kind enough to offer to babysit, and man, was it ever appreciated. We went to see the movie "Doubt, starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not surprisingly, the acting was great, but the movie itself left both Lindsay and I at least with few questions. Apparently, that was exactly what it was supposed to do!

The following day, the Elliot clan and Grandmother came over before the Elliots headed back to Alberta. Before they left, Sandra gave us one of her amazing hula-hooping demonstrations- pretty unexpected and amazing, to say the least. On the Monday, Donna, Lindsay, Paul S., Tate, Aurelia & I headed to the Museum of Western Development. In addition to checking out the permanent exhibit, we also got to see the Eaton's Once Upon a Christmas animatronics display. It was lovely, and Aurelia seemed to like it, too! Donna, Aurelia, and I headed over to Grandmother's house, where Paul and Susan joined us later on.

The last couple of days were spent quietly at Donna's. Donna had to work on Tuesday, so I tried to relax a bit, and stayed alone with Aurelia for a few hours. I was hoping she would nap, but she didn't. There were times during the trip when I found it overwhelming to be alone with Aurelia, who at 19 months, was most interested in playing with all of Donna's breakable trinkets, vintage glass Christmas tree decorations (plucking them off one by one), and, for some reason, squeezing herself behind the furniture everywhere we went. She was also skipping naps, going to bed late, and not sleeping soundly at night. Since we were both sleeping in the same room, this also meant that I was getting the best nights' sleep either. She ate very little while away, and what she did eat, was not the most balanced of diets. Since it was for just a few days, I didn't let it bother me too much, but part of me was indeed looking forward to getting back into our old routine. Later on, after supper, Lindsay, Susan and I headed off to Superstore and McNally Robinson for a little shopping. Donna took care of Aurelia, and it felt nice to get away, even if it was only for a couple of hours.

On New Year's Eve, we all hung out quietly at home. Susan was going out that night, so I straightened her hair for her. She looked great for her evening out! After she left, Paul S., Lindsay, and I all agreed that Donna had done way too much cooking in the last couple of days, so Paul took the initiative and ordered chinese food. He then went out in a snow storm and picked up Grandmother, and we all had a nice meal together. Paul F. came over, too, and later on, I went over to his house just down the street with Lindsay where he gave me the grand tour. What a nice place! We stayed for just a short while since I had to pack, and Mark came back with us. Soon, I went off and started to get my stuff organized, since my flight was for 7:45 the next morning. I was stressed, to say the least, but I got pretty much everything organized. I had just enough time to join everyone in the living room where we welcomed in the new year. Paul drove Grandmother home, and everyone else went to bed. I finally got to bed around 1:15 am, but unfortunately, my sleep was cut short when my favorite little person decided to wake up at 3:15. I was tired, to say the least.

Needless to say, I was ready to go at 5:45, and we got to the airport without a hitch. Because of the snowstorm,however, the flight was delayed, even thought I had checked before leaving Donna's. The good news was, Aurelia was so exhausted by the time we did get on the plane, that she fell asleep almost immediately, and slept all the way to Ottawa, leaving only a twenty minute flight, from Ottawa to Montreal. Adding to our luck, I had a free seat beside me the entire way, so it was nice to have a seat for Aurelia. We got to Montreal around 3pm, and Ben and my parents were waiting for us. It was so nice to see them.

I am so glad that Ben pushed me to go on this trip. There were indeed challenges to travelling alone with a toddler, some expected, others a surprise, but as Lindsay said I would, I do feel such a sense of accomplishment to having done it. What was even more amazing was getting to see almost all of my dad's side of the family (with the exception of him and Olivia) together during the holidays. These are opportunities that don't happen often, not to mention, less and less as we all get older. Ben was so right, it was the chance of a lifetime, and I am glad I took it.

Just in Time

Eighteen months. Just in case I forget, and one day, you have a baby of your own and ask me how old you started walking at. Yup, eighteen months. That gave us just enough time to start to worry that everything was OK. Just enough time to see you do a couple of steps three months before you actually really started walking. Just enough time to see your pediatrician on November 13th for your eighteen-month checkup, the same morning you really did start walking, and for him to be concerned enough to send you for testing at the Montreal Children's hospital for Muscular Dystrophy because according to him, your thighs were a little overdeveloped (attributable for those months of walking upright on your knees, we assume).

So, no. To answer your question, you were not an early walker. You were eighteen months old. And over the last month and a half or so, since you first started using your feet to get around, you cannot sit still. I imagine these are the first of many blurry photos of you to come.

First Birthday

Well, here we are. Just four days short of Aurelia's first birthday. I must admit, this anniversary feels a little bittersweet. More than anything, of course, it is a celebration, but it also makes me realize how much time has past since this incredible little person came into my life. I wish I could relive those first moments, not the part of shock in realizing that something, a person, this baby, was growing inside of me, or the moment of finally finding out "it" was a "she", or the coming-to-grips part that I am her mother and that she is my daughter, but rather, to relive that moment with the clarity I have now. To have been able to foresee the scope of the love I would have for her. To have fully realized that my world as I knew it had, in an instant, changed for the better. To have truly understood that motherhood would be the most challenging and most rewarding role of my life. To have grasped the concept that this little person would challenge me in ways I never expected, and, as a result, she would teach me to be a better person.

What I know now is that since Aurelia came into my life, I am infinitely more aware of the wonders of this life, both the beauty and ugliness of this world, and the meaning of unconditional love. I know now that to watch your child discover and learn allows you to experience life from their perspective, with fresh eyes and wonder. Everything seems a little brighter, the small stuff is not as important as it once was, and infinite pleasure can be found in the simplest of things.

While you are pregnant and awaiting the arrival of your first child, many tell you to prepare for the hundreds of diapers, the sleepless nights, a screaming baby. Often, what they fail to mention, is that those diapers will teach you the type of endurance only a parent knows. That during those sleepless nights, while rocking your baby,you will realize, as you stare into your baby's eyes or count her delicate lashes, that you would die for her and do anything to protect her. That a screaming baby will not only teach you patience, but that a parent's worry for their child's well-being is infinite, and that, regardless of her age, she will always be your baby.

Solids

Your initiation to solid foods came in the form of rice cereal on October 26th, 2007. Papa and I were so surprised when you instinctively opened your mouth for the spoon. Obviously, that first attempt to feed you solids was more to introduce you to eating something other than breastmilk or formula rather than nourish you, but it really went well.

Since then, getting you used to solids has taught us a lot of patience. You seem to enjoy cereals, veggies, especially broccoli, cauliflower and carrot mixture, and you absolutely love mangoes. The biggest challenge has been meat. You don't like it. Try what we may to conceal the smallest morsel of meat in a heap of fruit or veggies, and you have no trouble identifying it, and you manage to spit only the meat out while eating the rest. At the end of February, during your routine appointment at the pediatrician, I told him about your meat aversion. He basically told me to salt the meat slightly because, after all, unspiced meat doesn't taste very good. Things have improve, but not dramatically, it is not unusual for you to gag on meat. Only recently does it seem like we are making progress. I think it's only a question of being patient, and not rushing you.

Little Sickling

Aurelia has been out of sorts this last week. It started with a mild fever, that lasted a couple of days, when, at last, it peaked, and disappeared. It looked as though the coast was clear, when less than two days later, a rash appeared. Since yesterday, it is clear that her ears are bothering her. And so, today, after having consulted, the health line, and her pediatrician (by phone), we headed out to an emergency clinic just to make sure things were okay. It looks as though she has roseola, which is what I suspected, and we just need to monitor her over the next couple days, as her ears to appear irritated. She has a scheduled appointment with her pediatrician on Tuesday, so he'll be able to check if her ears clear up with the virus or if she'll need antibiotics. I am to continue administering Tempra to relieve fever (if it returns) or to help manage her ear pain...

I know that this was nothing serious, but the stress I have felt over the last couple of days, not to mention the lack of sleep, has been overwhelming. I hope this is the worst we will ever have to experience with a child ill. It breaks your heart to see them so helpless, and unable to do much to relieve their discomfort.

7:45 am

It's early morning, and I forced myself out of bed after being woken by a neighbor slamming the door and the high-pitched continuous meowing of my cat. I would rather be in bed, but am gathering the courage to change another diaper. Sometimes, you just don't feel like it. Then again, if you take a moment, and think of the "why", it seems like a small price to pay.

Almost 10pm

It is almost 10 pm. You're about 8 1/2 months old, and you should be sleeping. Instead, when I go into your room to check on you, you are wide awake, playing quietly in your crib, and you greet me with this face. This look. I am not complaining.

Holidays...right.

Ahh, the holidays are over. It strikes me as particularly odd how the most hectic, crazy, sometimes stressful time of year can be referred to as the "holidays". Our holidays over here began on December 24th with a family supper that Ben and I prepared at my mom's for her side of the family,and ended the night of New Year's Eve at around 2am January 1st. All in all, it was a wonderful time, but I did lose my cool a few times with a few projects. Just ask Ben.

The most special part of this Christmas was celebrating with Aurelia, and being grateful for all the good things that have happened for us over the past year. I will write more about what I am grateful for another time, but suffice to say, it was such a wonderful moment to show this healthy little bundle off to our closest friends and family. She hardly slept the entire time, was completely off any sort of schedule, and yet she never made a peep. I suppose this is what she has been making up for over the last two days.

A significant milestone was also reached on Christmas night. After an impromptu fondue supper and Ben's brother's with their parents, we came home and I prepared Aurelia for bed. At one point she was nawing on my finger, and suddenly her gums felt sharper than usual. As Ben was walking into the house, I called him over, desperately trying to get a good look at what I had felt. Lo and behold, there was a little tooth making its appearance in the front of her lower gums. Of course, I cried. That beautiful gummy smile is beginning to disappear. Bittersweet moment.

Unfortunately, a little bit of dread also set in during this time of year. On Christmas morning, I had an instant of cramping pain that I immediately identified as stemming from my kidneys. It didn't significantly rear its ugly head again until January first, when I woke up with a definite aching in my flank. Took it easy that day and since, but am very anxious for the appointment I have with the urologist next week. I just hope I can get these stones out before the agony sets in.

I started taking down our Christmas decorations yesterday. All that is left is the Christmas tree, and I have decided to save that task for either tomorrow or Sunday, since the trash will only be going by Monday morning to pick up the tree. Another task I almost completed yesterday was the sorting of the huge stack of photos I had developed. Looking forward to having that job completed so I can get some creating done with that.

Off to watch a bit of Baby Einstein.

Look Who's Talking

This past weekend, Aurelia started saying "Dada". We're not entirely certain she is referring to Ben when she says it, but it's still pretty exciting. She started saying "Mama" on October 31st, and I've pretty much come to terms that "Mama" to her is synonymous with "boob milk" or "Feed me".

Last week, she also started shaking her head from side to side. To be honest, we found it a little strange, and were concerned that maybe there was something wrong with her eyes, or maybe something else. But since Sunday, we've started thinking that she is actually telling us "no". Today, she refused to eat, and when I put the spoon in front of her, she refused to open her mouth and shook her head.

These developments may not sound like much, but now I know, that, to first-time parents, these are all tiny miracles. It is truly a wonder to realize that this is the same little being that lived inside me those nine (ten) months, that came out an immobile ball. She is quickly becoming more of a little person everyday.