Confession

Eloïse, I have a confession. Before you were born, I had never loved anyone the way I loved Aurelia. The love I felt for her was like nothing I had ever experienced- overwhelming and indescribable are two words that come to mind. People tell you that the love you feel for your children can only be described when you experience it first-hand. Now I knew it was true. She was my purpose. I would die for her. To look into her eyes, the eyes of a person that grew inside me, was the most incredible feeling. And so, I wondered, could I ever love anyone as much as her? I knew her hands, her smell, the feel of her cheek, what would make her laugh. Would anyone else have such an effect on me?

When I became pregnant with you, I was thrilled. Just as with my pregnancy with Aurelia, it was a relief when everything was going smoothly. It was exciting every single time I felt you kick, felt you move, realized how much by belly had grown through those many weeks. Seeing those blurry black and white images of you on that ultrasound machine will remain one of the most wonderful memories for me. I would count down the minutes to getting these too-brief glimpses of you, and we would sigh with relief when the doctor would say you looked like you were growing well. We would come home from those visits, and compare your profile in those grainy pictures with Aurelia’s. Would you look like her? Would you be a girl or a boy? It was just as incredible as when I had experienced it with Aurelia. But, secretly I was worried about something. Despite the fact that I was as overjoyed during my pregnancy with you as with Aurelia, how would I feel once you arrived? I couldn’t imagine loving someone else as much as much as her .

And, then, as an answer to my questions, they put you in my arms.

You were mine. And that overwhelming and indescribable love came over me…for you.

Eloïse, you are now almost four months old. I know your hands, your smell, the feel of your cheek, and yes, what makes you laugh. To look into your eyes, the eyes of a person who grew inside me, well, it’s like seeing heaven.

Eloïse's First Days

You arrived at 6:42 pm on April 19th,2009, and surprised us all with the speed at which you arrived, your dark hair, and that yes, the fact you were a girl. Around 10pm that night, we were tranferred to the post-partum department, and were lucky enough to get a large private room, with two beds, which was great, except for the fact the heating was still on and it was extremely hot. We were so excited that you were finally here, we had a hard time going to sleep that first night, despite the fact we were very tired. The next day, we had a lot of visitors- Mel, Christina, and Patrick came to meet you. Grand-Maman, who witnessed your birth, came back for several hours, too. Papa went back home for a couple of hours, and when he came back, he brought Grand-Mère & Grand-Père, and your big sister, Aurelia, along with him. This was a very special moment for Papa and I - our little family all together for the first time. Once everyone left, the rest of the day was pretty quiet, and the following morning, we were discharged. You were finally coming home! We arrived home mid-morning, and tried to get settled into some sort of routine. Because you were being breastfed, and we were still waiting for the milk to come in, the next few days were a little tough, as we tried to get into the groove of things with very little sleep. I must admit, there were a couple of nights in that first week where I did cry a little. You would sleep well and be so quiet during the day, but once 10-11 pm hit, you would be very cranky and unsettled, and cry a lot. Even though you are our second baby, I realize that sleep deprivation is still as hard the second time around, especially when there is another little person who needs to be taken care of. Nevertheless, we survived. And once you were eating enough, and we both got the hang of breastfeeding together, things, settled down. You slept for several hours at a time, and we were able to get the sleep we all needed. It is incredible how you just fit right into your spot in our family. We are so glad you are finally here. Welcome home, Our Sweet Eloïse.

On Your Way

To My Baby in My Belly,

I am sitting here waiting for the hospital to call to let me know they are ready for my induction today. We were supposed to go in at 6am, but they had a busy night, so we have had to wait. I think this was a blessing because I feel more ready mentally for labor. It is how it is supposed to happen.

What I want you to know is that, although we have yet to look each other in the eyes, your Papa and I already love you beyond words. You are the greatest gift we could ask for, and we cannot wait to continue this life's journey, both yours and ours, with you. I can't wait to meet you.

All my love,

Mama

Yesterday

My Dearest Aurelia,

Yesterday I reached the 26 week mark for this pregnancy. We had an appointment with Dr. Johansson, so Papa finished work early, we packed ourselves into the car, and headed to her office. The last time I was in that office was very nerve-wracking indeed. I had gone in the previous day for my "almost 22-week appointment, and during that ultrasound, the doctor noticed something that could indicate something serious was wrong with the baby, so the following morning, we headed back to the office in a rush to do an amniocentesis. Much to Papa's and my relief, the results for the amnio came back normal. So yesterday, was a much happier occasion for me, and I really tried to enjoy the moment of getting to see your soon-to-arrive brother or sister on the ultrasound machine screen.

You were in Papa's arms during this, and were getting quite restless, especially since the wait to see the doctor was a little long for you. This meant that Papa got to see very little of the ultrasound taking place. He was busy taking care of you. But later, once we left the office he told me of your reaction seeing me laying on the doctor's examination table while Dr. Johansson probed my belly. Apparently, you became very still and were observing everything that was going on. Then, although you made no sound, tears began streaming down your face, and continued even after the examination was over. He is certain you thought the doctor was hurting me, even though you could see me smiling and laughing. Once we left the examination room, while I was talking to the doctor and her secretary and making arrangements for my next appointment, you, still in Papa's arms, kept reaching out to me, holding tightly to my shirt.

It was only after, when Papa told me of your reaction, that I realized how upset you were, and to be honest, it was only last night, while laying in bed wide awake at around 2am with insomnia did it hit me. I am your mama. And you know it. And as much as I live with the fear that something could hurt you or happen to you, you also live with that fear for me. We need each other, and we have a bond that has developed and strengthened every single day since we came into each other's lives. Maybe it sounds strange that such a simple incident made me come to such a realization, but with you, I have learned that the simplest things having become the most incredible blessings. A soft kiss from you. You caressing my eyelashes. Your small open hand on my chest while you fall asleep. These are gifts you give me every day and for which I will never be able to repay you.

January 19th,2009

This evening, I decided to take a bath around 5pm.Papa was home and about to start supper, and I just had the urge to soak and relax in the tub. I left the bathroom door open because I thought you would get a kick out of seeing Mama in the tub and you out of it for a change. Soon, you were running in to "surprise me" every minute or so. Next, you decided it would be interesting to dip you (clean) paint brush in the water, which meant that within a few minutes, you were wet up to your elbows. It didn't take long for you to start pulling out your bath toys and placing them on the edge of the bath. You even pulled out the three little tub men I use to sing you "Lundi matin, le roi, la reine, et son p'tit prince..." and you motioned to me that this bathtime, regardless of who was actually in the bath, should be no different. At this point, your pants were already off since they had gotten dirty and I had removed them before my bath, but you were still wearing shoes and socks..you had asked me to put them on you this afternoon, a first.Before I knew it, you were trying to get in the tub to join me, shoes and all. So Papa came to the rescue, quickly stripped you down, and plopped you in the tub with me. The water was much deeper than you are normally used to, and you seemed to love it, although you did slip a couple of times. We brought in some of your toys and you seemed to just love being in the deep water and having me with you. It has been quite a while since we have bathed together, and it was even more wonderful than I remembered, playing with you in the tub, listening to music from the kitchen where Papa was preparing us a delicious meal. The bath turned out different than I had planned, but undoubtedly better. It was, a perfect evening.

Saskatoon 2008 (and a wee bit of 2009)

At the last minute, I booked a ticket for Aurelia and I to head off out west to Saskatoon from December 26th to January 1st. Some people thought I was crazy (including myself) for even considering traveling alone on a plane with a toddler. My worst expectations were pretty much realized on our way there. We missed our flight, but were re-routed soon after, with the only downfall being we arrived in Saskatoon at almost 1am Montreal time. Aurelia refused to sleep on the plane, and as the plane was literally landing in Saskatoon, she was so exhausted, she began to cry uncontrollably. I thoughther ears were bothering her, because as soon as the plane touched ground her crying stopped. But, when I looked down, she had fallen asleep, and slept through right up until morning. Donna and Lindsay picked us up. It was so great to see them. We got back to Donna's place, where Susan was still up, and we stayed up chatting quite late,then finally went to bed.

The next morning, everybody came over to Donna's- Paul, Mark, Grandmother, Norm & Judy, Adam & Natalie, and their significant others, Sandra & Nacona. Since Lindsay was also staying at her mom's, Paul Schoenau was already there, and so was little Tate, who I finally got to see for the first time (although we did peek in on him the night before while he was sleeping). We all spent the day at Donna's just hanging around, relaxing, and it was really nice. We ordered pizza, and later, some of us went to the movies, including myself. Paul S. and Donna were kind enough to offer to babysit, and man, was it ever appreciated. We went to see the movie "Doubt, starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not surprisingly, the acting was great, but the movie itself left both Lindsay and I at least with few questions. Apparently, that was exactly what it was supposed to do!

The following day, the Elliot clan and Grandmother came over before the Elliots headed back to Alberta. Before they left, Sandra gave us one of her amazing hula-hooping demonstrations- pretty unexpected and amazing, to say the least. On the Monday, Donna, Lindsay, Paul S., Tate, Aurelia & I headed to the Museum of Western Development. In addition to checking out the permanent exhibit, we also got to see the Eaton's Once Upon a Christmas animatronics display. It was lovely, and Aurelia seemed to like it, too! Donna, Aurelia, and I headed over to Grandmother's house, where Paul and Susan joined us later on.

The last couple of days were spent quietly at Donna's. Donna had to work on Tuesday, so I tried to relax a bit, and stayed alone with Aurelia for a few hours. I was hoping she would nap, but she didn't. There were times during the trip when I found it overwhelming to be alone with Aurelia, who at 19 months, was most interested in playing with all of Donna's breakable trinkets, vintage glass Christmas tree decorations (plucking them off one by one), and, for some reason, squeezing herself behind the furniture everywhere we went. She was also skipping naps, going to bed late, and not sleeping soundly at night. Since we were both sleeping in the same room, this also meant that I was getting the best nights' sleep either. She ate very little while away, and what she did eat, was not the most balanced of diets. Since it was for just a few days, I didn't let it bother me too much, but part of me was indeed looking forward to getting back into our old routine. Later on, after supper, Lindsay, Susan and I headed off to Superstore and McNally Robinson for a little shopping. Donna took care of Aurelia, and it felt nice to get away, even if it was only for a couple of hours.

On New Year's Eve, we all hung out quietly at home. Susan was going out that night, so I straightened her hair for her. She looked great for her evening out! After she left, Paul S., Lindsay, and I all agreed that Donna had done way too much cooking in the last couple of days, so Paul took the initiative and ordered chinese food. He then went out in a snow storm and picked up Grandmother, and we all had a nice meal together. Paul F. came over, too, and later on, I went over to his house just down the street with Lindsay where he gave me the grand tour. What a nice place! We stayed for just a short while since I had to pack, and Mark came back with us. Soon, I went off and started to get my stuff organized, since my flight was for 7:45 the next morning. I was stressed, to say the least, but I got pretty much everything organized. I had just enough time to join everyone in the living room where we welcomed in the new year. Paul drove Grandmother home, and everyone else went to bed. I finally got to bed around 1:15 am, but unfortunately, my sleep was cut short when my favorite little person decided to wake up at 3:15. I was tired, to say the least.

Needless to say, I was ready to go at 5:45, and we got to the airport without a hitch. Because of the snowstorm,however, the flight was delayed, even thought I had checked before leaving Donna's. The good news was, Aurelia was so exhausted by the time we did get on the plane, that she fell asleep almost immediately, and slept all the way to Ottawa, leaving only a twenty minute flight, from Ottawa to Montreal. Adding to our luck, I had a free seat beside me the entire way, so it was nice to have a seat for Aurelia. We got to Montreal around 3pm, and Ben and my parents were waiting for us. It was so nice to see them.

I am so glad that Ben pushed me to go on this trip. There were indeed challenges to travelling alone with a toddler, some expected, others a surprise, but as Lindsay said I would, I do feel such a sense of accomplishment to having done it. What was even more amazing was getting to see almost all of my dad's side of the family (with the exception of him and Olivia) together during the holidays. These are opportunities that don't happen often, not to mention, less and less as we all get older. Ben was so right, it was the chance of a lifetime, and I am glad I took it.

First Birthday

Well, here we are. Just four days short of Aurelia's first birthday. I must admit, this anniversary feels a little bittersweet. More than anything, of course, it is a celebration, but it also makes me realize how much time has past since this incredible little person came into my life. I wish I could relive those first moments, not the part of shock in realizing that something, a person, this baby, was growing inside of me, or the moment of finally finding out "it" was a "she", or the coming-to-grips part that I am her mother and that she is my daughter, but rather, to relive that moment with the clarity I have now. To have been able to foresee the scope of the love I would have for her. To have fully realized that my world as I knew it had, in an instant, changed for the better. To have truly understood that motherhood would be the most challenging and most rewarding role of my life. To have grasped the concept that this little person would challenge me in ways I never expected, and, as a result, she would teach me to be a better person.

What I know now is that since Aurelia came into my life, I am infinitely more aware of the wonders of this life, both the beauty and ugliness of this world, and the meaning of unconditional love. I know now that to watch your child discover and learn allows you to experience life from their perspective, with fresh eyes and wonder. Everything seems a little brighter, the small stuff is not as important as it once was, and infinite pleasure can be found in the simplest of things.

While you are pregnant and awaiting the arrival of your first child, many tell you to prepare for the hundreds of diapers, the sleepless nights, a screaming baby. Often, what they fail to mention, is that those diapers will teach you the type of endurance only a parent knows. That during those sleepless nights, while rocking your baby,you will realize, as you stare into your baby's eyes or count her delicate lashes, that you would die for her and do anything to protect her. That a screaming baby will not only teach you patience, but that a parent's worry for their child's well-being is infinite, and that, regardless of her age, she will always be your baby.

Pregnancy Album

Just a few pics of my latest "in-progress" project. While I was pregnant, I had the intention that I wanted to create a pregnancy scrapbook, but with illness and getting ready for the baby's arrival, it never got done. Now, just past Aurelia's six-month birthday, I am working on this album, and getting much of it done! I am certain I have forgotten some stuff, but I am focusing on what I do remember, and calling it good enough. Trying to get the pictures and stories down first, and worry about the embellishing later.