Trying Something Different

So, this week, I decided to try something different. Ben ended his paternity week, and headed back to work on Monday. Since then, I have been trying to get up early (meaning, earlier than the girls), in order to have a bit of time for myself before I start the day. I love the quiet that has settled into the house, looking out the window, even when it's raining. These past few days, I have had an overwhelming feeling of being really lucky that I don't have to run around like I know so many people are doing right now, rushing to start their day, getting themselves and their kids ready, distributing everyone around town, shovelling breakfast in their mouths with one hand on the steering wheel.

Over this past week, I have used this time to eat my breakfast, watch the news, check out Facebook, emails, and my favorite blogs, and, most importantly, sip my hot coffee. I cannot believe what this little bit of me time to start the day has done to improve my mood and my productivity throughout my day.

Anyone who knows me is aware that I am not a morning person. Actually, it's not really that I am not a morning person, but more the fact that I can't get out of bed, because, once I'm up, I'm up. So this new routine is not necessarily an easy switch for me. I need to push myself, but I am realizing that this switch in my routine has made me happier, and infinitely more productive.

Yesterday, I wrote about how I was debating keeping this blog public. I've decided for now, I will leave it as-is and instead try to incorporate writing my entries into my new morning routine. We'll see how it goes.

Questioning the whole public blog thing

I started this blog as a way to document my everyday life. While I suppose I could also use a word processing program as I often do, what's interesting about a blog, is that I am able to access it anywhere internet is available, which I love.

One of my New Years' resolutions for 2010 is to blog more. Unfortunately, what I am noticing is that I am not drawn to my blog when I want to put down my thoughts. I feel so aware that there is an audience reading this, I find myself editing my thoughts before my fingers reach the keyboard. What is so odd about all this, of course, is that no one actually reads this blog except me. But still, it feels like leaving a personal journal open on a table in a coffee shop.

Up until recently, my blog was private. Maybe I will have to go back to that, if it means I will be less self-conscious when I write here. I don't want this blog to end up like all those diaries I received as a kid with only a couple of pages used.

I want to remember this.

I want to remember this:
You, after a bath, still slick with water,
Dripping tendrils of baby curls sticking to your neck,
Bolting down the hallway,
Naked and confident,
Shoulder blades protruding like wings-
Bird bones just under the surface.
Screaming with glee.
Febrile and defiant.

I want to remember this:
You, sleeping soundly in our bed,
As only you can
When you are in your parents’ bed
At age two.
Sunken deep into a pillow, assured and secure,
Your breath paced slow and steady,
Your lower lip jutting and relaxed.
Your lashes grazing that tender patch of bluish skin
Just below the eye.
Damp curls lay flat against your pulsing temple.
Your tiny hand, open-palmed and fleshy,
Managing to reach out to me,
Still asleep.

I want to remember this:
You, coming to join me in the morning,
Messy, gorgeous, matted hair
Hiding still-sleepy eyes,
Cheeks rosy and creased from slumber,
Diaper fat and sagging,
Your little voice, cracking,
proclaiming something,
Anything,
As though it were a new-found discovery:
“Look, Mama! A book!”

I want to remember this:
You, delighting in those things otherwise overlooked.
A bubble escaping from the dish soap bottle.
The ant jarred awake by the year’s first thaw.
The way the cat washes its ears.

I want to remember this:
You, looking at me with complete and total trust.
Believing that I know.
Seeing me as I have forgotten how to see myself.

I want to remember this.

Overwhelmed

Feeling overwhelmed this past while, by so many different things, but, added all up, they are weighing heavily on me. Finances. Parenting. (Lack of) Time. The need to purge all the excess. There have been moments these last few days that reminded me so much of exam time when I was in university, the feeling that the smallest thing could be the one that makes me crack. Luckily, I think I know myself a bit better now, and it helps that I realize that my stress can be minimized by addressing the issues rather than avoiding them. Just taking it all one day at a time.

Blogging & Project 365

One of my resolutions this year was to blog more regularly. Given the fact that my last blog was a month and a half ago and we are not even two months in to the new year, it does not appear that I have been really making blogging a priority.

The reason I want to blog more regularly is simple. With two little girls to look after every day, and my beloved who works 12-hour shifts, my scrap time is limited. If I were to blog more regularly, when that time does come up, the words and the photos will already have been chosen, and thus, the hard part done, seemingly effortlessly. If I don't write as a go, the thoughts linked to those moments captured are somewhat lost, inevitably tainted by hindsight.

Looking at everyone in cyberland's 365 day project really, really makes me want to try to join in. But I really don't want this to become an unfinished project. I am so inpired by Becky Higgins Project 365 kit. If I commit, I want to commit for the long haul. I know that to have an album to hold at the end of a year-long project like this would be so priceless to my family and me. But, after having worked on the December Daily project, I realize what a huge commitment this is, and I'm not sure I am ready for it.

On Simplicity

Last year, I decided to follow Ali Edwards' tradition to choose a word to help define the coming year. My word for 2009 was savor. It was a good choice. With Eloïse's arrival in April, my life became infinitely more hectic, and my one little word served as an occasional reminder not to sweat the small stuff. It was more of an idea word, it didn't require much action, except for a sincere attitude shift at times, helping me focus on what really matters, to live in the moment, to take it all in, specifically, the good stuff. Choosing that particular word provided my perspective with the occasional nudge in the right direction on the life I am living.

This year, I am trying it out the one little word challenge again. My choice of word was not something I really had to think hard about. It came to me easily and I think it's really because the evidence of what it should be was obvious and staring me in the face for quite some time. My word is simplify. Simplicity. Simple.

I see simplicity and simplifying as an action theme for me. Having two little children to take care of fills up my days to the brim. There are a countless number of things for me to do on any given day, and if I am at some point sitting on the couch, it is because I have chosen to ignore that endless to-do list rather than the fact that it does not exist. As a result of being so busy, I have come to the realization that having less in my home would mean less work for me. Having less things to manage, juggle, even dust, would allow me the time to do the things I really love, rather than dealing with all the less-than-pleasant aspect of an excess of stuff. We presently live in a really small space for four people, and every little bit of space counts. It does not help that I have a really hard time getting rid of things. It does not help that I have a craft stash. Or that I have a lot of maternity clothes. Or that kids grow out of their clothes before they have even worn them. And beyond the stuff, there is the time factor. Time wasters like the internet and Facebook. The telephone. Countless email mailing lists. All of it.

I know I already presented my resolutions here in my last couple of posts, and so I have briefly touched on the topic. I know reducing and weeding out the unecessary stuff will not be easy for me. It may always be a ongoing struggle for me. To simplify will require not only a shift in my attitude, but also in my behavior, and that is why I see it as an action word. It will require my to make choices. To say no. To ask myself important questions like how certain things add to or diminish our quality of life as a family.

I can say that I am more than up for the challenge. I hope to be able to push myself out of my comfort zone, and arrive at a point where living with less becomes my norm. I think I can do it. I really do. I believe that in recent years, I have slowly begun to realize the benefits of having more white space in my life. To see the simple beauty of it.

First Layout of 2010: Resolutions 2010

Fonts: Garamond & CarbonType

Kraft & Graphed Paper: KPertiet at Designer Digitals

"Resolutions" Word Art" RFarrer at Two Peas In A Bucket

Brads: PKnox at Designer Digitals