Confession

Eloïse, I have a confession. Before you were born, I had never loved anyone the way I loved Aurelia. The love I felt for her was like nothing I had ever experienced- overwhelming and indescribable are two words that come to mind. People tell you that the love you feel for your children can only be described when you experience it first-hand. Now I knew it was true. She was my purpose. I would die for her. To look into her eyes, the eyes of a person that grew inside me, was the most incredible feeling. And so, I wondered, could I ever love anyone as much as her? I knew her hands, her smell, the feel of her cheek, what would make her laugh. Would anyone else have such an effect on me?

When I became pregnant with you, I was thrilled. Just as with my pregnancy with Aurelia, it was a relief when everything was going smoothly. It was exciting every single time I felt you kick, felt you move, realized how much by belly had grown through those many weeks. Seeing those blurry black and white images of you on that ultrasound machine will remain one of the most wonderful memories for me. I would count down the minutes to getting these too-brief glimpses of you, and we would sigh with relief when the doctor would say you looked like you were growing well. We would come home from those visits, and compare your profile in those grainy pictures with Aurelia’s. Would you look like her? Would you be a girl or a boy? It was just as incredible as when I had experienced it with Aurelia. But, secretly I was worried about something. Despite the fact that I was as overjoyed during my pregnancy with you as with Aurelia, how would I feel once you arrived? I couldn’t imagine loving someone else as much as much as her .

And, then, as an answer to my questions, they put you in my arms.

You were mine. And that overwhelming and indescribable love came over me…for you.

Eloïse, you are now almost four months old. I know your hands, your smell, the feel of your cheek, and yes, what makes you laugh. To look into your eyes, the eyes of a person who grew inside me, well, it’s like seeing heaven.